Originally posted on PATREON.
or, Day 2 of my little depression de-closeting. Well, a closet is what I´d love to be in mostly today. Which, absurdly, means that I´m getting better. It seems to be a well known fact that once a depression is starting to dissolve, some people get suicidal because their perception of their environment, their empathy, starts to return, but warped, and they „realise“ how much of a burden their behaviour is on others they care about, and they want to take themselves out of that equation to restore balance. I very much feel like that. Don´t worry, everyone and mum! I´m not suicidal, and I´ve never been. I´m still very much in control of myself, rationally, and the more I talk about this being an illness, the easier it becomes to just wait until it´s over, like a cold or a headache. Plus, I´m surrounded by loving people and closely watched.
I´m terrified of communication though which makes it REALLY hard to produce a record, and to hang out with the people who are most important to oneself. My communication feels lopsided and warped, and everything someone says arrives as a judgement. I am terrified especially of Christoph because it feels like he is impatient with me and annoyed by me being sick, mostly because he keeps asking me things, like, did I (him) do something wrong? Do you like this or not? And, see, don´t you see it´s no problem, we can get this done? and, what can I do to make you feel better? A questuon that poses a paradox for me because I. Don´t. Fucking.Know. And it makes me feel even worse not knowing. Plus the feeling to burden people with my existence gets overwhelming when I feel urged to get better as soon as I can. So I asked him to not talk to me today after I almost started crying during breakfast.
Among the hardest things was telling myself that it´s a perk, not a failure, not to play the ukulele on Lobotomy! I did, yesterday, and tried again this morning – with the result, that I could actually play it really well and as intended, but the strings I had to change on the uku yesterday didn´t hold the tuning and so the take is not useable. The perk in this is that Victor Ghastly aka Victor without the Bully will be playing on the record, as the guest star performer, and this will be freaking amazing, and also probably make more people aware of its very existence 😀
It feels like failure, though. Even if my playing was really good in the end – I failed in caring for my instrument. There is just no way to not see anything as a failure today.
Right now, Rah is playing to my Vanity Fair recording of a few days ago. And while listening, it feels horribly flat and insecure. It is supposed to be the finalsong on the record, and I took ages to record it. It is the song meaning most to me. It sounds like playing an etude, without any expression or feeling. So what now? I could try and record it again. If possible with listening to Rah´s drums.
My depression keeps saying: give it up, just say the song won´t go on the record.Use only songs that have electronics as the background. For whatever reason, I trust these more than my playing.
My inner picture of Christoph says: well why not ask Mishkin if she can play it? She suggested the arrangement for the verse anyway, and she´ll proably play it in ten minutes, if she has the time.
I still want to do it myself because I want to play it. But it´d probably be not the best for the record. Hell, what do I know. I keep hoping that Taylor will have a word about this, but strange enough,she still seems to think that the way I play all my stuff is good enough. She even gave the uke another try, and yes, I could play it.
We´re running out of time.
Well probably we even aren´t. But it feels like it. And I panic. And I cry. And that makes people around me feel bad. And that makes ME feel bad.
And it feels harder than ever to ask people for favours. And help. Especially those around me who are working hard. Much harder than me, it seems, and with much more result. And I annoy them with silly questions, or with just failing in what I try to achieve. Probably also an illusion. But my perception is all that I have to evaluate any situation. And my perception is warped.
Rah just walked up to me and hugged me. No explanations needed. I am so glad and grateful she´s here, and accepts me as I am, and appreciates me being open about it as much as I can, and cares about if I have eaten, or slept. Even hugs are hard to accept though, and to hold them as long as I actually need them. As in, have a good cry at somebody´s shoulder, and after that, everything will be fine. Maybe. But it feel like imposing myself onto somebody´s time, and feelings. I know that is bullshit. But.
I´ll cope, as usual. But I want to tell you how much your words have helped me. Just acknowledging that I am feeling bad, and wishing me well, without asking for anything, for a reason, for what-did-I-do-wrong, for -how-can-I-help, just saying that you´re here and that you love me and that I am okay.
Thank you so much <3